In may 2015 I was diagnosed with a heavy depression and a burn-out.
Looking back this was going on for a very long time, I already had been close to a burn-out a few times before, and the doctor said take some rest or you just have had too much stress, and you’ve been through a lot of emotional events, it will pass by.
But not this time….
Physically and mentally I was exhausted, literally and figuratively.
From postive, laughing, cheerful to profound pain and sadness that made me literally crawl over the floor, and at some points could not even speak anymore.
I coulden’t do anything, and at the worst point all I could was to wait fort he day to pass.
For months I went to bed with the thought/prayer and begged: Oh lord if you do exist, please let me go to sleep and not wake up anymore, I just can’t do this anymore.
If I diden’t understand myself, the people around me coulden’t understand either, some said that I went crazy, some thought I needed to act “normal” again.
But what is normal?
They recommended to take medicine, and even though I knew how serious this was, I refused. There is no pill that can solve this, that’s like you also can’t put band-aid on your heart.
It was like if I had been living in my own version of “Big Brother” and suddenly a door went open. As if someone said to me: “Well now is when your real live starts”.
“There comes a moment when you think it all ends, that’s the beginning”
The only way to solve this, is to go through this.
I was the only one that was able to solve my problem.
Why did I feel the way I did? Why am I doing what I do? What do I really want?
I found out that the truth was that I was really scared. I did not have the guts to live my own life, to do what would really make me happy, and to be who I really am and want to be.
I did the things I did not to disappoint other people, maybe because I thought I needed to proof something, and worst of all….. To be good enough.
Good enough for who?
What if I was just like everyone born good enough?
Along the way I found out that just like everyone I had formed some patterns that kept me small, and they kept me from living my own life, my full potential.
The patterns are based on the system that we come from, the people around us, friends, family, school, and experiences that we get in our lives (for example being bullied, painful relationships etc.)
These patterns make us protect ourselves so it won’t happen again. To keep us invisible. Because we think we are the safest if we are invisible. Then we can protect ourselves from anything that might hurt us.
Well that’s not working….
The only thing I was doing was living in fear, I told myself and the world that I was “tough” and could handle it all, while in reality I was just this small scary girl in a huge package.
If I would not change anything everything would remain the same,
If everything would remain the same I would be very unhappy.
Well I am here now, and apparently it’s not my time to leave yet. Considering that I was feeling terrible and not having any lust for life it was a lot easier to think: “What’s the worst that can happen?”. At that point it could not get much worse to be honest.
So then I might as well try to make something of it and see if it will get better.
So I started to take a year program from the dutch company 365 days of success.
“You don’t have to see the whole staircase to take the first step”
I had to work really hard on myself, and it was a year with falling and getting up again.
A year where the unthinkable became thinkable or maybe even reality, where old patterns needed to make place for new ones. And where limited thoughts were replaced by helpfull thoughts.
The events, growth, and situations I had to go through alone are enough to write a book about.
“A comfortzone is a safe place, but nothing really grows there”.
“Outside the comfortzone is where the magic happens”.
I learned a lot of new valuable things, and among other things that being scared is not always a negative or bad thing. It’s a chance…. A chance to learn something new. To grow, and grow is equal to happines.
The past year I learned more about fear than what I ever thought it was. Where it comes from, what it can you with you, and what you can do about it. That we people use fear for everything that it’s not meant for instead of for what it is.
If I look back now I ask myself what have I been doing to myself? Why did I wronged myself, and sold myself short?
I am very good in seeing the greatness and potential in other people, I just forgot to look inside and see it by and for myself.
The depression is if you ask me now probably the best gift I could have ever gotten.
If I can come to this point, than I am sure than I can come much further.
The greatest thing is…. I can now pass things on to anyone that wants to be inspired. To people that want to grow, that want to expand their vision, and want to change their mindset with a few simple tools, to use fear so i twill help you instead of keep you from things.
“You don’t have to do anything special to be special”.